April 2022

Recently, I’ve been able to think about happy memories with Molly and not crumble. I remember a visit to the zoo with her. At one point, she started crawling on all fours like the bears we saw. It was so cute. It’s a good feeling when I can think of her and be happy.

I see my son and daughter in the pages of a children’s book called Maybe: A Story About the Endless Potential in All of Us. My daughter’s Chinese zodiac is a rooster and Miles’ is a pig…

“She loved her owl blanket and her pacifier. She also loved dogs, dancing, swimming, and smiling. Before she could walk, she would crawl to the ocean. It didn’t scare her to hear and see the waves crashing around her.

Kennedie and I have a very close bond, it helped me get through so much. I don’t talk about losing Kennedie with my other three kids. Sometimes we get in the car and go for a drive together. That’s how we process our feelings – we drive and we listen to a CD of songs from her funeral.

I was having a rough day and I was so upset. The sun was out, it was a nice day, and a ladybug landed on the driver side window. I think it was Kai telling me it was going to be okay. I don’t like bugs very much, but ladybugs are different. They’re quiet, they don’t make any noise just like Kai. He’s my pride and joy.

We hope you see the small things we do down here for you. We do something manageable for us each year on your birthday and on your Angel Day, too. We light lanterns in your cemetery. It’s such a peaceful cemetery. There are lots of trees and the birds are always singing..

Instead of being alone, I have imagined the ancestors – the grandmothers and great grandmothers with their love and wisdom there with me, helping to hold the space and weight of life and of death. It’s helped me a lot to have that revised mental image.

All of our children have a color we associate with them. Evelyn is coral pink because that was the main color of her nursery. James is yellow because after the miscarriage I received many bouquets all with bright yellow tulips. Lilian is purple, even though she will tell you that her favorite color is blue. We’re lucky because when we look at a sunset, we can see our children saying hello from heaven.

You sent so many signs to us during those first months when things were so hard and when we needed it the most. Little bits of yellow here and there. The rest of our family saw them too in butterflies or birds. I planted a garden for you and decorated it with a yellow stone that says “This Little Light of Mine,” and scattered sunflower seeds around it. It’s all for you, Brooke.

I didn’t want to take any photos without Bella, but my friends insisted. In the photo I am standing next to my son who has the biggest smile on his face and my hair is blowing in the wind. The beach is behind us and the sun is above. And somehow in the sunshine, there is an outline of Bella with a sunbeam shining down on my face.