Amanda Olsen learned about Buzzy’s Bees through our network of care professionals after she lost her son, Kauldon Brister, at nearly 5 months of age. It is deeply saddening to learn of another family affected by child loss. It is, however, somewhat healing and powerful to be able to help with a financial gift. Kauldon was laid down for a nap, sleeping on his back, and was found an hour later on the bed not responsive. Buzzy’s Bees was able to help Kauldon’s family replace the bed that is associated with such pain.
Another part of Buzzy’s Bees’ mission is to give a voice to the families who have lost a child. Amanda Olsen has set up a facebook memorial page to help honor the memory of her son Kauldon. This is Kauldon’s story as told by his mom, Amanda Olsen. Be aware that the story contains details that might be difficult for some readers.
As most of you know, the worst nightmare of my life came true on April 10th of 2017 when my son was ripped away from me. Kauldon was born on November 24th of 2016 via an emergency C-Section because I had become extremely ill and swollen due to preeclampsia. Three days after his birth I was diagnosed with kidney failure and had to be transported to a bigger hospital that specialized in kidney care. I thought that being away from both of my babies (I have a two year old as well) for 9 days was a nightmare. Turns out that I was sadly mistaken.
On April 10th of 2017 I was at a meeting for work. Kauldon’s daddy laid him down for a nap and was playing in the front room with my 2 year old. After I got home we faced possibly the worst thing ever. We found our little angel too late. His lifeless sweet face is forever tattooed into my mind. I immediately picked him up ran outside like a lunatic screaming while my son’s dad was on the phone with 911. I laid him on the cool grass and sucked all of the mucus out of his mouth with mine and did CPR, just hoping he would open his beautiful teal eyes. I lived in an apartment complex and my sweet neighbor opened her door so I went inside with him and began CPR again. I knew the moment that we found him he was gone, but as a mother I didn’t want to believe it.
The ambulance showed up and immediately grabbed him and took him to the hospital. My neighbor watched my 2 year old so I could go up to the hospital. I remember screaming at the top of my lungs to God asking him to give me my son back, asking why he was testing me so much. I remember screaming at traffic to move so we could go faster so I could be with my angel.
When we arrived to the hospital. I jumped out of the car with my son’s dad and pounded on the tempered glass demanding to go back. They let me go back after a few minutes and there he was, surrounded by EMT’s, emergency room doctors, and a police officer. He had IVs and a tube in his throat. They were breathing for him and pumping his small chest with their hands. I sat in a chair, held his hand and rubbed his head talking and crying to him to wake up. I looked at his dad and he was sobbing in the corner. The nurse took his temperature and the doctor told me he was gone with how low his temperature was.
We were there for only 47 minutes but it felt like days. The hardest thing was making the decision for them to stop trying to resuscitate him. After they stopped I immediately swooped him up and held him. The doctors swaddled him and I cleaned his face up with a wet cloth and rocked him singing “You Are My Sunshine” like I did when trying to get him to sleep on a sleepless night. I sang the song over and over again at least 50 times. Uncontrollably crying all over the blanket that he was swaddled in. My son was gone. And cold. I kept looking at his face thinking that I had seen his eye twitch but it was my mind playing dirty tricks. I handed him to my mom and left the room. I couldn’t stand seeing him like that.
I walked out into the waiting room which was packed full with my family. I have never been surrounded by so many people but felt so lonely in my life. I sat in a chair and put my face in my hands and just cried. My worse nightmare wasn’t being away from my kids for 9 days. It was making the decision to let my baby rest forever..
I’m sharing my story to help parents who have lost a child.
It’s okay to be mad. It’s okay to grieve. It’s okay to cry. Most of all it’s okay not to be okay.
The pain will never go away, but it will ease. You will run into things that remind you of your little love. And you will learn to smile again.\