“The changing seasons of grief never stop cycling, forcing the mind to resettle time and again.”
We, the bereaved, have a grief season that is influenced by the dates that remind us that this person is gone – like a birth date or death date – along with the usual suspects of missed holidays like Christmas, Easter, and Halloween.
One of the hardest days that first year after losing Hudson was my husband, Nate, and my wedding anniversary. I met my sister-in-law Amy for coffee, just like any other day. But once the coffee shop became crowded I felt so claustrophobic that I began to have a panic attack and was led out onto a crowded street in NE Portland. I stood there sobbing and hyperventilating as people passed by.
I returned home, completely overtaken by the unpredictable grief wave that consumed my body. I retreated to my bedroom for a nap. I managed to get myself together and haphazardly throw on a dress just in time for our anniversary dinner.
My husband and I chatted and, once the entrees were served, the time in the evening came to reminisce about our time together thus far. Cue the tears. I began sobbing uncontrollably again and sobbed so heavily into my shrimp scampi that it became inedible.
This year we celebrate 14 years of marriage and it will be our 5th anniversary without Hudson. The heaviness and deep sadness on this day makes sense as our anniversary is a time to hold up a reflection of dreams, accomplishments, and what’s to come. Not one of those would ever have included a dead child. It still shocks Nate and I that this is our very sad reality – that our sweet boy unexpectedly died in the middle of the night with no explanation. Our wedding anniversary is one more annual reminder that Hudson is missing in our story.
Marriage never comes without challenges, and ours has faced the unimaginable. There is not a day that I would choose a different partner, even with the weight that our marriage carries. I am not prepared, but I will accept the tears as they come on what should be only a day of celebration.
Buzzy’s Bees Founder